satire

You know what "they" say, without the one side, you don't get the other side - as in, there is a need for pain to experience pleasure, there is a need for hate to experience love.

That notion came from some where, but it did Not come from humans, that can't see past the end of their noses. All they see, is that fear and hate speech is Evil which must at all cost be eliminated, because they say they only want Love in their world - preferably the world over... except that that is never going to happen.

If it were not for fear and hate speech, from all those "crazies and nutjobs" out there, what would you really have to rail against? And if humanity ever stopped railing against the crazies, and the nutjobs, and the radical muslims (if you're a christian or jew), or the demon christians and jews (if you're a muslim) - just to pick out the obvious and easiest choices - the christians and jews and muslims would/could start "getting along", and one day even, "the lion shall lie down with the lamb…"... except that, that is Never Going To Happen.

The main reason why, is this: it's not efficient, in fact it's inefficiency cubed and then cubed again. And if there is One Thing Life is, it is efficient! If such could ever actually occur, the human mind would seize up and stop functioning altogether. People would stop getting out of bed, until they were too hungry to stay there any longer. Civilization would (both) never have gotten ramped Up, and would just as quickly shut Down.

So, Thank "god" for fear and hate speech, and may all the crazies and nutjobs on whatever side they are to be found, Please Continue - I, for one, Love It! Oh, and if you have guns, and ammo, so much the better!

I saw two very interesting stories on the environment yesterday made me stop and think.  One was about the UK, and a projected need for their population to shrink by half to be sustainable in a green manner.  This recommendation was made by one of the Prime Ministers leading Green Advisors.  The other story was about Oregon and how they have lost jobs due to green regulations shutting down the lumber industry.  In attempts to recover some jobs, they had also attempted to put wind mills in those areas which were also shot down by the green movement because the power lines would be an eye sore and the windmills can kill birds and bats. 

At first I reacted to these stories with a narrow minded indignation on the government and action groups getting involved in issues where they should not be.  How can you have liberty where a government advocates population control?  How can green groups oppose replacing a non-green industry with green power?  Then I had an epiphany.  My thought process was not Conservative at all.  I was locked into a narrow mindset based on past, false assumptions.  My eyes opened to a way that we can reduce government impact to boost the economy and save the environment.  By letting natural forces run their course we can achieve a truly Conservative approach to solving these issues.  This is my modest proposal on how this can be accomplished.

Hopefully the satire is clear and not too poorly done...

    Joe American gimps into the emergency room.  (We'll pretend that the hundreds of people that normally crowd the place are not there)  The nurse approaches him.  "Yes Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

    "I hurt my leg, I think it's broken."

    "Well, we'll get you fixed right up Sir. Come with me."

    So Joe American is whipped back to the ward with the solicitous nurse.  but imagine his surprise when he is told to sit down and bare his arm.  "I just need to draw some blood sir," he is told.

  "But what about my leg?"

    "We'll take care of you sir don't worry."

    The nurse marches off with several vials of Joe's blood and he sits and waits his leg a throbbing mass of agony.  Soon he hears a cheerful voice calling out his name.  He sticks his head out the door.   A smiling young man tells him, "It's time for your X-rays sir."

    "Finally," Joe thinks to himself.  But to his surprise there is no wheelchair.  "Ummm, my leg is hurting quite badly.  Can I get a wheelchair?"

    "It's just a few doors down sir and we'll get you fixed up," the young man replys.

    Joe grits his teeth and forces his way down to the X-ray room.  "Just sit there and we'll get those teeth checked out," he is told.

    "My teeth?  But it's my leg that's hurt!" Joe complains.

    The technician looks at him blankly.  "I am just going by the orders on your chart sir."

   "But don't you want to X-ray my leg?"

    The man looks at the paperwork in his hand.  "No sir, I've got you down for dental X-rays and a chest X-ray.  Why don't we just get those taken care of and then we'll see about the other thing."

    Joe grumbles but submits first to a full set of Dental X-rays and then hobbles over and barely able to stand allows for a chest X-ray.  He then is directed back to his original room.  Limping along and clutching to the side of the wall to keep from falling he barely makes back to his room before another nurse appears.  "Sir we're going to need a urine sample"

   Joe moans.  "But what does that have to do with my leg?"

    The nurse blinks and looks at him blankly.  Joe points down to his pants leg that is beginning to seep blood.  "I'm sure the doctor will take care of all your problems sir.  In the meantime...

    Joe is handed a cup and looking at the expectant face of the nurse he sighs and creeps over to the bathroom to provide the requested sample.

    Finally he makes his way back to the hospital bed and collapses into it.  Hours seem to pass before finally the curtain of the room and pulled back and a tall self assured young doctor waltzes in.  Through his haze of pain Joe feels a glimmer of hope that perhaps finally he will receive the care he needs.

    The doctor sits down and frowns across the bed at Joe.   "It's a good thing you came in when you did sir."

    "Yes I know, my leg..."

    The doctor interrupts "Your cholesterol alone is sky high and you have two cavities, not to mention that your BMI is....well, a good deal over the recommended limit."

    Joe falls back to the bed realizing that the original reason he came to the hospital in the first place has been totally ignored and that all the good doctor and staff are concerned about are minor issues that could have been dealt with at a later date but once they had him in their clutches they were unwilling to let a good crisis go to waste....

By Philip Morris  NEWPORT NEWS

So how did Barack Obama turn North Carolina and Virginia BLUE? In a revealing look at the Exit Polls in VIRGINIA & NORTH CAROLINA it was the SMOKER VOTE that put Virginia and North Carolina in the BLUE. 

Mr. Barack Obama campaigned in Tobacco country promising CHANGE and SMOKERS in NC & VA took Obama's mantra inside the voting booth. Seventy-Five percent (75%) of Smokers in NC & VA chose Obama over McCain.  "There have been a couple of times during the campaign when I fell off the wagon and bummed one, and I had to kick it again," Obama tells the November issue of Men's Health. However, in researching this story Philip Morris has learned that Obama was telling only part of the story, the truth of the matter is that it was strategic move to bum cigarettes off typical smokers in rural Virginia and North Carolina. In discussing this matter with a Senior Adviser of the Obama campaign, who talked freely on the condition the advisor's identity would remain secret, stated that, "President-Elect Obama at beginning of his presidential campaign had a meeting with his top campaign advisers and in that meeting Mr. Obama circled the state of Virginia and said, 'if I win Virginia, uh, (pause) I will uh, be the uh, uh, the President,' so a strategy was devised in that secret meeting by seeking a demographic that crossed all voting groups in Virginia and that demographic was Smokers."  The Senior adviser continued, "You see, Smokers are black, white, republicans, democrats, independents, old, young, male, female, etc. , so we developed what the Obama campaign termed Burn Baby Burn or BBB for short, to secure the smoker vote in Virginia."  "Our BBB strategy was simple, as you know, McCain held a significant lead in both Virginia and North Carolina after the Republican National Convention, so the Obama campaign implemented Burn Baby Burn." 

"On the campaign trail in Virginia, Mr. Obama  would puff a cigarette while he spoke of change, or Mr. Obama would bum a cigarette from a typical smoker on the campaign trail stopping to puff and inhale while he connected with the bitter Bible-thumpers."  "The polling reflected that it was working, by mid-October Obama was leading outside the margin of error in Virginia."  BBB worked so well the campaign deployed the strategy in the heart of Dixie, North Carolina & Tobacco Road."  "The success we had in North Carolina is exemplified by that chance encounter with Joe, Joe the Smoker."  "At one point we had Mr. Obama jogging down Tobacco road with a Marlboro Menthol dangling from his mouth ( Mr. Obama brand of choice is anything Menthol: Marlboro, Kool, Newports)." The Senior Adviser continued, " Obama was jogging with some reporters and a cameraman, when he saw a typical bitter, rural, white, smoker playing catch with his son in typical small rural front yard, so Obama stopped and began to chat with the typical white person named Joe, and while they were talking Joe asked, 'Mr. Obama I am all out of smokes, can I have your smoke and I will vote for you?'" As you know, Mr. Obama took one more puff from the Marlboro Menthol Light and gave it to Joe the Smoker and as they say in Tobacco Road McCain's chance of winning went up in smoke."  "Joe the Smoker puffed that menthol down to its last ash and smokers across Virginia and North Carolina realized Obama was a true smoker just like them and he would even give his last smoke to win a vote."

I contacted the McCain campaign in regard to this story and a top adviser within McCain's inner circle confirmed that by late October that the polling data within the McCain camp showed a shift in smokers going for Obama.  "The McCain campaign even developed an ad showing McCain smoking while as a POW, but by then it was to late and Senator McCain dumped the ad."

I wanted to get the smokers take on this story, I found a group of six typical Virginia smokers smoking outside their office-complex.  All six smokers voted for Obama.  My question was easy, why?   All of them agreed because Obama is just like us he is a smoker and he promised Change.  I continued, what type of Change did he promise?  They all were silent and looked at each other and then one of the male smokers responded, "well if the President can smoke in the White House, he is going to change it so we can smoke inside again."  All the smokers shook their head in agreement, and I asked, did Mr. Obama say that?  "Well not exactly, but that is what he is going to do."

In January 2007 Fox News Anchor Josh Gibson ran the story of Obama's "Dirty little secret," and talked of Obama's cigarette smoking.  Mr. Gibson asked the question, "Would you vote for a smoker as President?"   The answer is Yes, Virginia and North Carolina have decided that there is a new Marlboro Man and his name is Barack Obama.

-Lex Rex

This is satire by Lex Rex and is intended as a joke.

Heh. Enjoy.

The Rules of Socialist Acquisition
(a representative sample)

1. To each according to his ability to work the system.
2. Compassion without coercion is useless.
3. Never ask when you can use the government to take.
4. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy are undertaxed.
5. All we want is what's yours.
6. Monopoly is evil unless the government runs it.
7. Class envy makes a good running mate.
8. If a government program fails, repeat.
9. Every rake deserves to be stepped on twice.
10. It is critical that the expected "returns" on any "investment" are never defined.
11. Never feed the hungry on an empty stomach.
12. Always know who you're buying.
13. Exclusive knowledge is power.
14. Never be afraid to mislabel an opponent.
15. Be clean, articulate, and non-threatening.
16. When in doubt, throw a friend under the bus.
17. Never allow others' self-interest to stand in the way of your common good.
18. A liberal without guilt is no liberal at all.
19. When someone says, "I'm not a racist," he's lying.
20. A dead vote is just as good as a live one.
21. A good vote is worth casting twice.
22. Actual progress is not guaranteed.
23. Small print is the best invention since snake oil.
24. Entitlements and handouts will always overcome freedom and opportunity.
25. Integrity is no substitute for campaign cash.
26. A friend in need is a potential donor and land deal partner.
27. Never confuse powerful financial backers with luck.
28. Make sure your campaign cash doesn't cost you more than it is really worth.
29. Beware of relatives giving speeches.
30. There's nothing more dangerous than an honest consultant.
31. The most beautiful thing about the environment is that you can turn it into an election issue.
32. Citing Global Warming yields more cash than pointing a gun.
33. Always trust a person wearing a suit better than your own.
34. Moral choice is a complex personal issue that is better defined by focus groups.
35. Morality has limits. Moral relativism has none.
36. Never make fun of a Democrat candidate's family. Insult something he cares about instead.
37. Be careful what you legislate. It may do exactly what Rush Limbaugh says it would.
38. Compromise means the absence of opposition to Democrats.
39. War is good for political activism.
40. People could afford housing and healthcare without the government - if it weren't for the government.
41. Talk is cheap. Heap it generously on the public.
42. There isn't a gaffe by a Democrat politician that the media won't overlook.
43. Never argue with a loaded Kennedy.
44. Labor camps are full of people who opposed someone's beautiful dream.
45. Entitlement is the easiest way to enslave a population.
46. Democracy has limits. Dictatorship has none.
47. Saying stupid things is often smart.
48. Never cross Michelle Obama.
49. Never let the electorate know what you're thinking.
50. Never admit anything that can't be later blamed on Republicans.
51. Only the Democrats could screw up New Orleans so badly and keep getting elected.
52. Knowledge is bliss, ignorance is power.
53. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a Democrat voter.
54. Pursue social justice; money and power will come later.
55. All voters are suckers.
56. Every once in a while offer a compromise; it confuses the hell out of Republicans.
57. There is no substitute for an unnecessary government program.
58. Never do something that the government can do for you.
59. Never spend your own money when you can spend the government's.
60. Money taken as profit is immoral; money taken by government is the highest form of Lightworking.
61. If it can get you elected, say it!
62. Only fools say what they believe.
63. Faith moves mountains of "Obama" memorabilia.
64. Poverty is no crime. Better yet, it's an excellent source of votes for the Democrat party.
65. Even in the worst of times, someone always gets elected.
66. Never snort cocaine and have sex in a limo with a homosexual drug user named Larry Sinclair.
67. Oil is a stolen product.
68. Practice saying it in front of the mirror: "This isn't the Almighty God that I know."
69. Law makes everyone equal, but presidential pardons go to the highest bidder.
70. There's nothing wrong with big business as long as they donate to anti-business causes.
71. Never buy votes if ACORN can fix it for nothing.
72. Friends and family are the rungs on the ladder of success - don't hesitate to step on them.
73. Blood is thicker than Kool-Aid.
74. Blame Bush first; ask questions later.

h/t to The People's Cube