
by Lance Thompson
The eager applicant, clutching his resume, strides confidently through the doors of the Enemies of America Human Resources Agency, and is immediately disheartened by the long lines of would-be terrorists, assassins, saboteurs and spies seeking jobs from the overworked bureaucrats of the jihad.
The employment counselor, Mulli al Rashiri, in his traditional Ghutra and short-sleeved thobe, motions the applicant to a chair.
“My name is Mohammed,” announces the applicant, handing over his resume. “I want to join the fight against America.”
Mulli the counselor glances at the resume and shakes his head. “I wish you’d come a year ago. Everybody was hiring–al Qaeda, the Taliban, Iran death squads. Could have got you a free trip to Venezuela just for an interview. But now–nothing”
“But I am qualified in demolitions, firearms, subversion,” Mohammed pleads. “I was voted Most Likely to Be Interviewed by MSNBC by my terrorist training class.”
“Just no need these days.”
“I can infiltrate the CIA, learn all their secret interrogation methods.”
“The Obama administration has already made those public. And even if they hadn’t spilled all their secret interrogation techniques, the American Attorney General is prosecuting the lawyers who authorized them. We have nothing to fear from the CIA.”
“I’m very good at propaganda. I could devise campaigns to make the Americans look weak and untrustworthy to other nations.“
The counselor holds up his hand. “Obama’s already done that. He has abandoned the Eastern Europeans, belittled the British, kowtowed to the Russians, befriended Hugo Chavez, and answered the North Korean missile launch by promising not to weaponize space. There is nothing you can do to weaken or embarrass the Americans that their president hasn’t already done.”
“How about sabotage? I could penetrate their advanced aircraft factories and destroy their state-of-the-art fighter planes.”
“The Secretary of Defense already did that when he cancelled the F-22 program. No need to destroy their front-line fighters–the Americans are scrapping the entire program.”
Desperate, Mohammed struggles to find a place in the fight. “I could learn white collar crime. I could work on Wall Street, destroy their financial system.”
“Obama has already taken care of that with his stimulus and spending bills. America is spending trillions of dollars they don’t have, nationalizing banks and private industry, bringing in socialized medicine. Obama is engineering the total collapse of the American financial system. Do you really think you can do worse than that?”
“But I need a job.”
“So does every terrorist in the world. Look, when Bush was in charge, and we were losing twenty, thirty, fifty holy warriors a day, we were desperate for new recruits. But now I get thousands of applications for every job. Even to be an entry-level community organizer for ACORN, you have to know somebody. Ever since Obama and the Democrats took over, the job market in terrorism, insurrection, and anti-American subversion has plummeted. Unemployment among terrorists has skyrocketed.”
“What should I do?”
“There’s always a need for suicide bombers.” Mulli the counselor points to a long, stationary line of last-resort applicants. “Good benefits, full retirement.”
Mohammed shakes his head. “I was looking for something with more of a future.”
Mulli checks his computer. “Al Franken is looking for a chief of staff.”
Mohammed pretends not to hear. “I have a master’s degree from the Anti-American University in Tehran. Maybe I could teach.”
Mulli shakes his head. “It would take years of hard work and study to be able to indoctrinate American students to hate their country more successfully than the subversive teachers, textbooks and social programs already established in the American educational system.”
Mohammed’s hopes are crushed. “All my life, I have studied how evil the United States is. I hate America. I want to tear America down. There must be something I can do.”
“Have you thought about becoming a community organizer?”